Don't let your fears determine who you are or what you do.

I view myself as someone who is outdoorsy, adventurous and willing to challenge my mental and physical strength. I am not willing to settle for what I think I may be able to do... I go out and try it. I will plan and train and do my best to be ready for what ever challenges lay ahead. With this comes the reality of my limitations... What I think they are. What they really are. And In my experience, what I am willing to let them to be.

I am afraid of heights. I have been brought to my knees with tears because of my fears. Succumbing to panic and the inability to think logically or move my body. I have been left behind on a trail run when I got 'stuck', turning around to make my way back to the truck in tears by myself. I have chosen to not finish a trip because of irrational thoughts. Later facing the fact that I gave in and gave up. 

A porter, Leskip, is scouting our route.

After not being able to reach the final village and camp site on our Chadar Trek in Leh Ladak last February (2016)... 

I was going to have to climb up to a ledge, walk along it, scramble back down to the river on the other side and then repeat the route on our return... 

I was devastated! 

I felt like I had ruined the trek for myself and everyone in our group. Robbing them, us, of all of the experiences to follow. 

I knew that I needed to face my fears and learn to gain some confidence in myself while standing up to them. Hoping that challenging what scares me will make the monsters under my bed less scary.

I have decided that challenging my fears is not necessarily knowing where they come from, I may never understand that, but learning how to react when you turn a corner and come face to face with them. Understanding the science behind the fear educates me, but it hasn't helped. Ok, my fear of heights probably stems from falling. Now what? Listening to positive affirmations or falling asleep to guided meditation didn't work for me. And I wasn't going to step out on a ledge to look over. Or would I?

This is where Denver Climbing Company comes in. 

I began my online search for climbing companies, looking for beginner lessons outdoors. While a climbing wall may have been a gentler way to challenge myself, lessons didn't seem to be a part of this option, not to mention the gear I didn't have and would need. And I am really glad this was the outcome.

I kept coming back to Denver Climbing Company. The company received great reviews from individuals, groups, experienced climbers and beginners. A beginner I am! Ha ha! Contact him I must. 

I have been so impressed with Dan and the service his company, Denver Climbing Company, provides! He has been patient, a great teacher (explaining when and how to use what type of gear) and has the ability to adjust and adapt to my ability on the fly. Let's not forget about crucial business criteria... Punctual, responsive and reasonable.

Flash back to day one... or the weeks leading up to it. We had to reschedule a few times due to Colorado's ever changing spring weather. After climbing with Dan a few times now, I'm sure he would have moved forward with a climb in the cold if I wanted to. When the weather decided to hold out and agree to a day I could climb, I asked if I could bring my daughter. Without hesitation he said yes. I really love doing things with her, but in this case, I think I thought she would be a buffer and help keep the focus off of me and my fears... No, I didn't tell Dan this and another irrational response to my fears.

Dan teaching how to PBUS.

Today is the day. We met Dan and proceeded with the normal introductions, "Hi, my name is Diedre" and hiked up to North Table Mountain. Dan went over safety as we hiked and some of the basics we would be learning today. At the top, Dan focused on safety again, making sure we knew how to be safe and what to consider for the safety of ourselves and others. This was very reassuring for me. I'm on a cliff and want to be safe! He showed us the equipment and how to properly use the gear. Taking the time to ensure we understood. 

In my harness, tied in with a knot I made, my daughter on belay, I touch the wall. I am not unconsciously incompetent. I am VERY aware of the fact that I have NO idea what to do. And I am scared! At only 10 feet I feel the first waves of panic. It is like an adrenalin rush that is not exciting. My hands instantly sweat, my arms feel week and my legs begin to shake. I want down. I want off the wall. I start to lose my ability to have a real thought or function. I cannot move. Frozen in what felt like a time warp, where seconds instantly morph into minutes. A lot of minutes. I know I had looked back at Dan and Grace feeling sheer panic - I don't know what that looks like on my face, but I'm guessing Dan does. I hear a voice to my right and look that way. Dan is a foot away from me on the ropes with a smile on his face saying that I'll be ok and to trust the equipment. "Diedre, lets show you how strong this harness and rope is. Get you comfortable in the equipment." He was able to get me to calm down, sit back into the harness and wait for me to relax enough for him to belay me to the ground.

Back on my feet, I felt week and was shaking. That was such a humiliating little climb. You cannot even call it a climb. A person in one of those velcro tennis ball suites can jump on a trampoline and stick higher on a wall than I was able to climb. But it was MY climb. My first climb and NOT my last. This will be continued!