For Jen

You ran and hiked, worried and kept me upright.
Together we walked along our path, unless we sat and watched the barely star-lit night.
We walked, talked and listened; sometimes in silence.
Reaching to the morning rise, for the sun, me and our endless smiles.
Goals to be met as the sun we hoped would not set.
Breathing, stepping... never to relent.
With the depth of friends, a dream shall never sleep as reach-less again.

DGD 09.28.15

Don't let your fears determine who you are or what you do.

I view myself as someone who is outdoorsy, adventurous and willing to challenge my mental and physical strength. I am not willing to settle for what I think I may be able to do... I go out and try it. I will plan and train and do my best to be ready for what ever challenges lay ahead. With this comes the reality of my limitations... What I think they are. What they really are. And In my experience, what I am willing to let them to be.

I am afraid of heights. I have been brought to my knees with tears because of my fears. Succumbing to panic and the inability to think logically or move my body. I have been left behind on a trail run when I got 'stuck', turning around to make my way back to the truck in tears by myself. I have chosen to not finish a trip because of irrational thoughts. Later facing the fact that I gave in and gave up. 

A porter, Leskip, is scouting our route.

After not being able to reach the final village and camp site on our Chadar Trek in Leh Ladak last February (2016)... 

I was going to have to climb up to a ledge, walk along it, scramble back down to the river on the other side and then repeat the route on our return... 

I was devastated! 

I felt like I had ruined the trek for myself and everyone in our group. Robbing them, us, of all of the experiences to follow. 

I knew that I needed to face my fears and learn to gain some confidence in myself while standing up to them. Hoping that challenging what scares me will make the monsters under my bed less scary.

I have decided that challenging my fears is not necessarily knowing where they come from, I may never understand that, but learning how to react when you turn a corner and come face to face with them. Understanding the science behind the fear educates me, but it hasn't helped. Ok, my fear of heights probably stems from falling. Now what? Listening to positive affirmations or falling asleep to guided meditation didn't work for me. And I wasn't going to step out on a ledge to look over. Or would I?

This is where Denver Climbing Company comes in. 

I began my online search for climbing companies, looking for beginner lessons outdoors. While a climbing wall may have been a gentler way to challenge myself, lessons didn't seem to be a part of this option, not to mention the gear I didn't have and would need. And I am really glad this was the outcome.

I kept coming back to Denver Climbing Company. The company received great reviews from individuals, groups, experienced climbers and beginners. A beginner I am! Ha ha! Contact him I must. 

I have been so impressed with Dan and the service his company, Denver Climbing Company, provides! He has been patient, a great teacher (explaining when and how to use what type of gear) and has the ability to adjust and adapt to my ability on the fly. Let's not forget about crucial business criteria... Punctual, responsive and reasonable.

Flash back to day one... or the weeks leading up to it. We had to reschedule a few times due to Colorado's ever changing spring weather. After climbing with Dan a few times now, I'm sure he would have moved forward with a climb in the cold if I wanted to. When the weather decided to hold out and agree to a day I could climb, I asked if I could bring my daughter. Without hesitation he said yes. I really love doing things with her, but in this case, I think I thought she would be a buffer and help keep the focus off of me and my fears... No, I didn't tell Dan this and another irrational response to my fears.

Dan teaching how to PBUS.

Today is the day. We met Dan and proceeded with the normal introductions, "Hi, my name is Diedre" and hiked up to North Table Mountain. Dan went over safety as we hiked and some of the basics we would be learning today. At the top, Dan focused on safety again, making sure we knew how to be safe and what to consider for the safety of ourselves and others. This was very reassuring for me. I'm on a cliff and want to be safe! He showed us the equipment and how to properly use the gear. Taking the time to ensure we understood. 

In my harness, tied in with a knot I made, my daughter on belay, I touch the wall. I am not unconsciously incompetent. I am VERY aware of the fact that I have NO idea what to do. And I am scared! At only 10 feet I feel the first waves of panic. It is like an adrenalin rush that is not exciting. My hands instantly sweat, my arms feel week and my legs begin to shake. I want down. I want off the wall. I start to lose my ability to have a real thought or function. I cannot move. Frozen in what felt like a time warp, where seconds instantly morph into minutes. A lot of minutes. I know I had looked back at Dan and Grace feeling sheer panic - I don't know what that looks like on my face, but I'm guessing Dan does. I hear a voice to my right and look that way. Dan is a foot away from me on the ropes with a smile on his face saying that I'll be ok and to trust the equipment. "Diedre, lets show you how strong this harness and rope is. Get you comfortable in the equipment." He was able to get me to calm down, sit back into the harness and wait for me to relax enough for him to belay me to the ground.

Back on my feet, I felt week and was shaking. That was such a humiliating little climb. You cannot even call it a climb. A person in one of those velcro tennis ball suites can jump on a trampoline and stick higher on a wall than I was able to climb. But it was MY climb. My first climb and NOT my last. This will be continued!

Warm Friends

Warm Friends

Rise with the Sun

Be there when she wakes

Moving over the mountains

Her warmth building strength

She’ll be there on your journey

Shining patience on your fears

Sweeping away soft and gentle tears

Rays of light

That dance across the mountain side

Touching her fingers

Along the glistening river they slide

Her heart is filled with light

Easily she laughs

Ready to cheer you on

As you conquer the past

If she sees you trip 

She’s quick to pick you up

Reaching out her hand

As you challenge the future

Always helping you see

That your path is not cast

Blessed is my life

To have such a friend

The sun will set 

Tomorrow I will be there

To watch her rise again

03.10.16  DGD

Grandma Time

It has been almost a year since my Grandma passed away and I still tear up every now and again.

Last August, we found out that Grandma had brain cancer, a fast-growing and malignant brain tumor called Glioblastoma Multiforme. Grandma had not been feeling well for a few weeks with flu-like symptoms that would come and go. She went to the doctor several times and there were many tests done, which all came back normal. Then the family started noticing that Mom wasn't as alert as usual. She would frequently gaze into space and not fully participate in conversations. The left side of her face also began to droop and she fell twice. She was transported to the local hospital where the ER doctor thought she might have had a small stroke, so they did a CT scan to determine the scope. That was followed by an MRI... and the results.

While the doctors think she has only had the tumor for 6 to 8 months, it has grown to a significant size.  They told us that if the cancer is allowed to run its course, Mom will only have about a month to live.  The tumor is inoperable and Mom is not a candidate for chemotherapy due to the size of the tumor and her age.  The only option for treatment is radiation therapy, which Grandma agreed to try. However, after 3 days, she made the decision that the time spent and the exhaustion that it caused was not worth the small amount of additional quality time we had hoped would be the result.

I was surprised by how I reacted to all of the news. I openly cried at work when I recieved the phone calls. This surprised my co-workers too. I was able to take time off from work and help care for Grandma, giving my Sister and Aunt some much needed breaks. The time I spent with her was great, even though she slept a lot. It also allowed me the time to go for a few trail runs. I absolutely love running on trails!

Trail running and feeling strong and developing a little bit of secret.

This should have been posted prior to Run Rabbit Run... I suppose if I'm going to be a 'blogger', I should at least try to have some sort of accurate timeline.

Run Rabbit Run or Building Up Courage?

Do you remember that 'little' goal I was talking about? Something that would keep me motivated and work towards? Well, I had decided and knew what I wanted to do in November of 2012, but I didn't tell anyone until December.

I am going to run a 100 mile Ultramarathon in 2013!

I wasn't sure which one or when, but I am going to do it!

Running again!

Time has gone by so fast! I had not realized that it was almost a year from my last post. I haven't mentioned any of the significant events like: my back has been getting better (I'll admit, slowly and with a lot of work), being able to run for the first time last June (2012) for the slowest, saddest and most exhilarating 3 miles, or the crazy little idea I had for my 2013 goal. Just a little something to work towards and keep me motivated to continue to strengthen my back and body.

There were also a lot of family events in 2012! My dad got married last summer. My grandma passed away last fall. We celebrated decades of birthdays... 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60! I might need to write a few mini-posts to recap a few of these events. For now, I am happy to feel the motivation to write again. Even if I am the only person who reads these... :)

Patience with injuries: Do I have it?

Breath Diedre. I am calm. I am happy. I am calm. I am happy. Let's try this one...  I am healthy. I am strong. I am healthy. I am strong.

When you think of patience, my name is not usually the first one that would be thought of for an example. I have adapted well to today's society of 'must have it now'; however, thru running, I have started to learn and understand patience. That I will get stronger in time, the trail will dry out soon, this hill will have a peak, or I can make it to the bathroom at the gas station four blocks away.

This is what I started to write about over a month ago, almost six weeks. I had been dealing with some hip, leg and lower back issues for about 4 months (at that time). The pain was progressively getting worse in my lower back and becoming more focused as the alignment issues in my hip and pelvic area were being fixed (and are now). I was feeling so frustrated! I was doing all the stretches, all of the core strengthening exercises, and still no improvement. My PT was checking my alignment, able to do adjustments if needed, and all was well, and in its proper place. Still, the pain persists...

Then, about two weeks ago, the numbness started in my left leg. All the way to my toes. Back to the doctor I went and straight for an MRI. Well, almost straight and four days later, plus another two days to get the full breadth of the results. Degenerative Disc Disease. Interesting, because it not a disease at all. It's a genetic defect, that is not necessarily a hereditary trait. Well, what now?

Cortisone shots? Physical therapy? Chiropractic work? Surgery?

I'm going with all of the above, except for the chiropractor part... I just haven't found one that I thought wanted to help me, just for me to come back in two weeks. Well, I don't have the time or money for that. Teach me what to do to correct the issues and keep them that way. So... I will educate myself. Talk to as many people as I can, learn what has worked for them, and what hasn't. Always keeping in mind that we are all different. Talking with as many professionals and specialists in the spine realm who will give me the time and absorb as much as I can from them. The best method for making an informed, educated and sound decision is to become informed and educated.

Now that I know what is wrong, and that the pain is coming from the area where the disc has completely degenerated and the vertebrae is bone on bone. I am not as frustrated and after processing what the possibilities and options are. I am feeling more patient. Willing to take my time and not rush into anything. I do have questions... and a few of them are: 'I know my exercise and running didn't cause this, but why did this seem to come on so fast? How much does my running accelerate this condition? How could I have run a 50 mile ultra just 3 months before my back started having so much pain and start to spasm? Are the time lines realistic? How were they determined?' And so on...

This is not a running related injury, but I will use what I have learned from running to prepare, recover, and overcome this!