I Have Forgotten 01.28.19

I have forgotten.
And yet I haven’t.
That’s how life is.

You were always within my thoughts.
And never within them.

You are not all consuming.
You are never forgotten.

There are reminders that I have intentionally set.
There are reminders that were supposed to be on their own.

It hasn’t worked that way this year.
Not really last year either.

It flowed the first night.
And one year later.
I had to ‘word smith’ it last year.
Apparently this year too.

It doesn’t have to be in one stream.
As most of mine do.
It’s OK for it to be multiple.
I have no problem tying 1 to 2.

I have not thought of you as often.
Or as always or used to do.
But there are reminders.
And I still love you.

Tonight this came out in one stream.
Thinking I had nothing to say.
But in that moment that you sit back and look.
There is always more at play.

DGD  01.28.19

You. Us. 01.28.20

Right there with you...

Is there something else 

I could have done 

I know the answer to that 

I tried to be what you needed 

You said you wanted my help 

After I tried 

You would change your mind 

Became mad when I was near 

Causing pain and keeping me away

What I have come to know is

I did all I could

Gave you all I had to offer

The rest was up to you

I have my peace with that

With you

From afar... 

I thought I tried 

To be there for you

Call you

Visit you

In the real picture

I couldn’t help you

Not in your way

At least not that I knew how

But you didn’t want it anyway

Or that’s how I felt

We thought we may help you

But it just made you mad

There’s nothing to get down

There’s nothing to get off my chest

No more to feel sad (maybe to say)

Close to you... 

I’ve known you from your first light

When you opened your eyes and a future so bright

None of us saw where you lost your way

I may have thought I/we knew

But how could we really

I just saw the decent

Not realizing where it would go

I love you wholeheartedly 

With out a cloud of expectation

I mourned you the same way

Now I remember you with fondness 

But not with clouds of bias

Us...

Kindness

Distance

Warmth

Guarded

Love

Cold

Heartfelt

Desperate

Thoughtful

DGD  01.28.20

What I Would Say 01.28.18

This is weird
So strange
I have been 
And have not been
Thinking about you
About what I would say for days...

You enter my mind now and then
The most random of times.

Some thoughts are good
Memories and events from the past
Some thoughts are bad
It had been a year since I'd seen you last.

When I think of you and try to picture your face
I know time does not stop and images fade
Into the distance and haze.

I still haven't figured out what I'm saying
What it is I want you to hear...

Your steps we followed in passion
Not knowing the fears you keep
That is not my future
I will not be afraid to leap.

You gave your path to fears
Shy'd away from thoughts and dreams
The ones you would not seek.

You stopped
Never looking for you future
Unwilling to leave the past behind.

I have learned from you
Not to view the world from your eyes...

I can rejoice in my strength
Be the person I am
My quirks to shine like starts above.

I do not know what turns lie ahead
I know not all are mine alone
A journey to be had with love.

I am... 
Excited for life to unfold 
Right in front of us
Waiting to be pulled in near.

I am...
Joining the adventures that await
Oh the experiences we will have
Creating tales yet to hear.

I know what it is I am trying to say
What it is that I want you to hear...

Goodbye

I haven't been trying to hold on
Trying to keep you here.
I don't have to always remember you
I won't forget you either.

I am letting go of anger
Letting go of what I think you have done.

I am letting go of sadness
Letting go of what I think you should have done.

I will let the past stay where it should
I will lean in to the future
Most importantly 
I will enjoy each and every moment
Right now
With an open heart and love.

DGD 01.28.18

Nostalgia

Nostalgia creeps up on you, 
Surprises you, 
From places you cannot see.

It's the little white trashcan.
Watching your husbands toe,  
as it presses the pedal down. 

Nostalgia is funny in that moment, 
How it creates such emotion...
To watch the lid just barely peek open,
Before it flings wide exaggeratedly. 

Suddenly I'm drug into visions past. 
Seeing the trashcan in my childhood home.
Wondering how this can could last,
and last some test of time.

Grateful that my husband said
'I want that in my home'. 
Only for me to flash forward, 
See my daughter look at the can. 
Does she wonder... 
How long will this can last in my home?

As you span through time, 
And find these little things. 
That seem to mean nothing. 
That can set your heart on fire. 
Feeling amazed by these small things,
How they bring a tear to your eye. 

Will I hear my daughter say,
'I remember this trashcan in my house 
And wondered how did it last.' 

It's the silly little things, 
Those things that sit in the corner. 
That nostalgia uses. 
Keeping you centered.
To keep you home.

DGD 04.17.17



Nostalgia creeps up on you and surprises you places you cannot see

While you watch your husbands toe press the pedal down in the lead flinging open quite exaggeratedly.

It's funny how that moment can create such emotion...to watch the lid just barely peek before it flings wide open. Suddenly I'm drug into visions past and seeing the trashcan in my childhood home wondering how this last.

 grateful that my husband has been said I want that in my home only for me to flash forward and see my daughter wonder how did this last in my home

then as you span through time and find that these little things that seem to mean nothing can set your heart on fire and amazed of these don't bring a tear to your eye when you hear your daughter say I remember this trashcan in my house and wondered how did it last. Only to have  my husband look at it and want to bring it home

it's the silly little things that in the corner still. That nostalgia uses to keep you centered and keep you home.

Radio Silence

How long has it been
Since we talked
Chimed in

It's been so quiet
Maybe to quiet
Has this gone for too long

This wasn't the first time
It wouldn't be the last
A repeat of history
The continued recent past

How could we know
Why would we have thought
That this time you called
It was the last

I saw your name on the screen
Listened to your message
Thought I'd give it a few days
Let your mind get clear

My thoughts tend to race
Were you in pain
Lonely, sad, wishing to connect
What did you want to say

What did you think
Was your mind clear
Could you know
That your time was so near

Thoughts and words
Fly through the air
You talked to others
Knowing your state

Did you know what it did
How your voice would hurt
Deciding to screen your call
Delaying that moments pain

Waiting before I tried
Listening to the rings
Hoping your mail box 
Would take the call

I finally deleted your message
I don't want to remember 
Your voice in that way

I try to not think
Of the radio silence
From those days

For today 
The radio is silent
And it will remain that way

DGD 04.20.16

I Have Not Forgotten 01.28.17

I have not forgotten you.
That has not begun to start.
It is just that the pain I have felt
...it no longer resides in my heart.

I know you wanted to live.
How you wanted to be in our lives.
To see your family,
The beautiful glow in your granddaughters eyes.

Your path was tricky and a bit rough.
The steps you took would always trip you up.
Even though in your past, 
You were pretty darn tough.

Your memory has not dimmed.
I can recall you, your face, easily.
I not only remember you,
It is all the beautiful things you had done.

I recall the moments,
The moments of disappointment too.
It is ok for me to feel sad,
And the times that I get mad.

I am ok with the occasional tear,
To be frustrated with the path you chose.
It is ok for me to move away from those emotions,
And to realize that guilt is a silly notion.

I no longer feel wrong about not seeing you.
We all make choices.
You did.
I did too.

I wrote a poem about the last time we talked.
How I finally deleted your last message.
Now that more time has passed, 
It is amazing how thoughts are vested.

When I think of that last evidence of your voice,
That if for some reason it still existed, 
I would delete it again.
Although, the reasons would be different.

I remember how much you loved your mom,
And watching football with your dad.
I'm pretty sure he's why you read.

I remember how much you enjoyed those books,
And how happy you'd be when I finally picked one up.
Even though it was a graphic novel,
Ok... a comic book.

It is ok for me to talk about you,
Because you see, 
I have not forgotten you.
I remember.
I remember all of you.

DGD 01.28.17

Beautiful Dark World 01.28.15

Beautiful dark world

Comfort and fear

Smile and tear

Joy and sadness

Driving to madness

Need and loathing

Want and boding

Hiding to release

Pain now peace

Suffering to cease

There is no more madness

No more tears,

Ending the pain and fears

I love you

And should have told you

But I knew

So do you

Your pain has passed

This will too

I will always be loving you

You’re amazing, smart, wonderful and kind

Putting this out there

I refuse to hide

Caring, loving and suffering

The beauty, brilliance and blind

I cannot image your pain

You know I love you

I’ll say it again.

DGD 01.28.15